I feel bad for forgetting

Ang and I were chatting about something today that has been on my mind a lot lately. This is the 2nd year in a row that our angel's anniversary has passed and I didn't realize until a couple weeks later.

We lost a baby November 4th, 2005. I knew it was happening before it did. My HCG levels never got that high and then I started spotting. I was on the way to the hospital to have another blood test done and was in a pretty nasty accident on my way there. I was nailed when a guy ran a red light and my truck was wrapped around a light pole. I remember crying to the fighter pilot who ran to my aide from the AF gate where I was hit "My BABY, noooooooooooooooo!!!!!" I called Crystal and Dante and thank goodness Crystal worked right inside the gate, she came running out and Dante was there shortly after. Dante went to pick up Trey and Devyn and Crystal stayed with me all night. I started bleeding heavy at Urgent Care that night and it was confirmed, our baby was gone. It hit me really hard. We had conceived on my Grandmother's birthday and everything just felt right with the pregnancy. I should not have lost the baby. I was due on the 4th of July and after almost a year of trying we felt so blessed.

A few months later I was pregnant again. Despite bed rest, the pregnancy went as planned and at 38 weeks Mrs. Audrey joined our family on November 4th, 2006 on her own, 2 days before my scheduled c-section. It took me weeks before I realized that she was born on the anniversary of losing our last baby. 2 WEEKS later I realized. I had a baby in my arms and her birth did not go as planned. It was traumatic for me, not in a terrible way, but emotionally traumatic. IT happened the way I prayed it would but it was overwhelming. I was not prepared to go through labor again and I sure as hell was not prepared to push out a baby with no drugs and so quickly. In the whirl whird and euphoria that surrounds having a baby, the day slipped past me.

With that being said, I allowed myself to have let the day go by without acknowledging it, but this year I did it again. I felt so much joy in celebrating a whole year of life with my baby girl that I did not morn our loss on her birthday. I feel like my grief was very short lived but it was real and it was painful when I was going through it. I do feel like my heart healed quickly, sometimes too quickly that I feel guilty. It doesn't mean I have forgotten. Every time I drive through that intersection I tear up and remember every detail - what I was wearing, the desperation I felt, the thankfulness that Crystal was their to support me, all of it I feel simply when driving by the new light pole. My God, it was a horrible day. I feel like Audrey was given to our family on our Angel's day to help us heal, to take away the sadness that tainted that day.

I do feel that our baby's soul came back to us in Audrey. She was not ready to join us the first time around but in the end, she was. That is just my belief....or maybe what I tell myself for comfort. It makes me feel better. When we were trying the first time I had a lady at work who I turn to a lot for spiritual guidance tell me, "Don't worry Brandi, March. March is your time." So imagine how I laughed when I got pg in October and was due in July. Well after the loss and ttc again, we ended up finding out I was pg again in **drum roll please** March. Everything about Audrey's pregnancy and delivery points to higher signs and "coincidences" (I believe there are no coincidences in life) that are undeniable in my book. She is a gift. The funny thing is, when I was pg the first time I really felt that the baby was a boy. We named him Xavier shortly after I miscarried and in my heart I was carrying a boy.

My heart hurts for all my friends that have experienced loss. It is so painful and the heartache, it is miserable. I think of what Ang had to go through, delivering a sleeping baby, and I cry for her. These women that go through this - they are so strong and they have to put on a brave face and keep their family going despite the pain and personal terror they are going through. I will never downplay an early loss because I know first hand, losing a baby at any point in a pregnancy is terribly hard on a person, but I can not imagine going through a loss like Ang did. Hun, I know you are having a hard time with Reese's due date coming up and I just want you to know we love you and we love her. You have made such strides in life even amid great loss and your family's life being turned upside down. You honor your little girl every day with the person you are and the way you live your life.